Loser News

Acting ATF Director Kenneth Melson has been reassigned to a lesser post in the Justice Department and the U.S. attorney for Arizona was also pushed out Tuesday as fallout from Operation Fast and Furious reached new heights.

Melson’s step down from his role as head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives, and Pancakes is due primarily to the questionable Operation Fast and Furious, a smoothly monikered plan created to follow gun purchasers in hopes that suspects would lead them to the heads of Mexican cartels with not as cool names. Something it failed to achieve.

“Operation Fast and Furious was a debacle of almost biblical proportions”, declared an obviously agitated Attorney General, Eric Holder. “Is that the best name we could come up with?!?”

In a recent interview, William Newell, the former Special Agent in Charge of F&F admitted he could have done better. “I now see that I should have probably called it Operation Pacifier or Strike Force Riddick“, as Executive Order 13532 clearly states that all Federal Law Enforcement operations will be named after Vin Diesel movies. “I just haven’t seen any of his other movies,” Newell continued. “Except Private Ryan, and that’s probably too obscure a reference for most of my officers.”

Republican Senators and Representatives have recently broadened their probe, which now reportedly shows a deeper involvement of the FBI, Drug Enforcement Administration and the Department of Homeland Security.

“While the reckless disregard for quality strategical naming that took place in Operation Fast and Furious certainly merits changes within the Department of Justice, the Oversight and Government Reform Committee must admit that we haven’t seen any of his other movies either,” said Darrell Issa, chairman of the House panel. “I did see Tokyo Drift, but Diesel was barely in it.”