Loser News

Following a judicial landslide freeing the “West Memphis 3” – the controversial conviction and long awaited release of three suspects in the 1993 murder of a trio of Arkansas youths – the defense counsels have combined their legal expertise to seek justice for all wrongfully convicted prisoners, providing their cases promise sufficient publicity.

“Here at the Law Offices of Dixie, Dixie, Vedder, Depp, and Dixie, we strive to provide our clients with the highest quantity of news coverage and celebrity endorsements of any criminal law specialists in the nation,” observed Johnny Depp, founder and one of thirty-five spokespersons for the newly minted law firm. “We also do Bar Mitzvahs, award shows, and the occassional Oprah.”

Co-counsel, Eddie Vedder, concurred. “The wailing behemoth of the American ‘just-less’ system can nigh conceal the bleeding black holes of its soul. Its bitter loins shall chafe beyond plagued abesesses, yet no lyre or Lamasil may quench it’s ire.”

“After we did Earl’s Gotta Die, I realized that sometimes it’s important to kill people and not get caught,” observed angry Dixie Chick, Natalie Maines. “And that’s why I’m here.”