Loser News

We got new toilets, America! That’s right, we can now process our food and drink with the confidence that only a Kohler commode bestows. Unfortunately, this leaves me with a vexing duo of conundrums, namely “used toilets”.

Now being the thrifty shopper that I am, I was sure there was some charity out there that would swoon, faint, and soil themselves (which wouldn’t be a problem if they had my toilets) to get their hands on my gently used poopers. Yet suprisingly, each establishment I encountered balked at my offered treasures. Here are a few snooty, non-profit responses I received for my lovingly used waste receptacles (Company names have been modified to protect the stupid and ungrateful):

The Stupidvation Army: “No, we don’t take those!” (Followed by the slurping of Diet Coke and the sound of a Twinkie wrapper being torn asunder)

Fartwill: “No, we don’t take toilets. Phfffft.” (The last sentence was actually a fart, hence the name “Fartwill”.)

Me: “Well do you know of another charity that might take them?”

Fart Lady: “No. Phffftdgk! Not really.”

Dumbitat for Dumbanity: “No we don’t take used toilets. We only take toilets plated in gold, so the less fortunate can sell them for crackphetamines.”

But here’s the kicker!

Local Dump: “Uhhh. Are you county or city? Um, they had free drop offs last weekend. Duh, you were allowed to to put five large items out for pick-up last month for no charge.”

Me: “Thanks for the history lesson, but is there anything I could do now, since my time machine is broken?”

Dump Lady: Uhhh, we could schedule a pick up for $35, or you could bring it in and pay $10.90 if it’s under 400 lbs.”

Me: (uncharacteristically sarcastic) “Hmmmm, I wonder if two toilets weigh more than 400 lbs.”

So now I get to take these high quality turd swallowers to the dump, and instead of getting a kudos for my charitable donation, I get to pay $10.90…unless the toilets total over 200lbs a piece.

Maybe I’ll fill them with cement just to get my money’s worth.