Loser News

Zimbabwean farmer, Gamba Ndlovu writes:

Dear American Broadcasting Corporation,

Greetings. I am very appreciative of your many entertainment broadcasts, and though the quality of your programming has declined for many years, I am still enjoying them greatly.

Often I travel to Harare and view the television at Sekuru Kaguvi Hospital while my wife attempts to get medicine for the children, and am able to watch several episodes from the rock on which I sit, as I must remain outside with my yak.

While observing one of the numerous “Reality Shows” issued from your orbiting satellite, I began to consider that many family groups in the American States do not own animals to assist them with clearing fields and dragging stumps and rocks. This saddened me. Therefore, I placed my mind to providing a solution, and I believe I have come up with a solution that would benefit us both.

Therefore, I would like to throw one of your American baseballs at a rapid rate of speed in an attempt to improve your ailing television network.

I would suggest goat-based viewing. Goat-Swap, Pimp My Goat, and What Not To Goat could be on your programming schedule as soon as Workers’ Day. I am as excited to it as you.

In truth, I have a very fine goat who pulls many rocks and has gored several wild dogs, and I would rent him to the American Broadcasting Corporation for 25 Botsowanan Pulas each month in order that he may act in your television reality TV.

Please inform me of your decision.

Sincerely,

Gamba