Loser News

By Grapthar’s Hammer!! Did you hear about all the bird and fish deaths?!? Everybody’s saying it’s the end of the world, but I know better. It’s the Decepticons again. 

As you know, the increasing population of transforming robots has caused a shift in the Earth’s magnetic field effecting avian and amphibian migration habits. We can only assume it will have the same effect on bear hibernation, wildebeest herd movement, and Cuba Gooding Jr.’s movie role selection.  Therefore, we must join forces with the Autobots to defeat this growing evil!!

I’m sure most of you have already figured out that Shia Lebouf’s character, Sam Witwicky, is based on me.  See, if you replace the S with a C and itwicky with anson and flip the W over so it’s an M and get rid of the am and replace it with harles, you totally get my name!

If they ever found me, they’d be able to take over the universe. That’s why I wrap myself in tin foil and repeat my mantra every day under the bleachers in the Rec Yard.

“Lipnicki…Lipnicki…Lipnicki…Lipnicki…”