Loser News

With the mid-term elections in full swing, relative political unknown, Allen Chestburster, has thrown his proverbial hat into the ring in an attempt to wrest the 2012 Democratic nomination from current President, Barack Obama.

“We don’t really view him as a threat,” commented Obama senior advisor, David Axelrod, in a 7-11 parking lot. “He’s pretty weak on Health Care Reform, and that’s what the people want.”

Critics accuse him of using his movie success to catapult himself in the oval office, and that by taking Rue Paul as his running-mate, and appearing regularly on Oprah and The Daily Show, of pandering to all liberal minority demographics. Still, he hasn’t won everyone over.

“We have to quarantine the area,” a clearly emotional Sigourney Weaver demanded at a Gala Ball held in the candidate’s honor. “You have no idea what he’s capable of!!”

Chris Matthews of MSNBC’s Hardball was more subdued. “Sure, the acid spit is pretty impressive, but where does he stand on the issues?”

If successful, Chestburster would be only the sixth candidate to oust a sitting Head of State from his own party’s ballot, and would join the ranks of Zachary Taylor, Abraham Lincoln, James Buchanan, and Mussolini.