Loser News

Well, as you know, yesterday was Women’s Equality Day, which demands that women be afforded the same rights as their male counterparts; the right to chew tobacco, the right to work on the car, and most important, the right scratch themselves in public.

As though it weren’t bad enough that they made Hilary Swank the Next Karate Kid (as if girls could learn Karate), now the universe must celebrate the mere existence of women…and penguins…and alternate lifestyles… and woman penguins with alternate lifestyles, all the while neglecting the most fundamental minorities of all. The left-handed.

Now, those of you who have never experienced the excruciating discomfort of a right-handed desk, a pile of right-handed mitts at recess, or the heartless hordes of onlookers as you try to cut crate paper with a pair of right-haded scissors, count yourselves fortunate. These have been our struggles for centuries.

But are lefties the toast of these tolerant times? Nyet! (which is Spanish for “No”). That is why I’m petitioning Congress to afford us the same rights (gee, why are they called “rights”?) as right-handed people, plus a couple they don’t have, like the right to have free pancakes at IHOP and the right to not get in trouble for shouting “We’re going down!” on a plane.