Loser News

That’s right, paranormal pals!! The Ghosthunters are back, but since there’s a show by that name, our lawyer says we can’t use it anymore. Therefore, we’re now known as the Ghost Lookers, which is way cooler and doesn’t confuse the dumb people that put the “T” and the “H” together and pronounce it Goes Thunters.

Anywho, all the regulars are back, with the exception of Sanjay, who the manager at Chuckie Cheese said he’d keep an eye out for.  But this week we have a true thespian (which is a weird word because it sounds like “lesbian”) joining our grisly gang of Ghosthun…I mean, Ghost Lookers.  That lesbian is none other than five-time Emmy award winner, Don Knotts!!

Having passed away three years ago, it was quite a challenge to get him to do the show, but his agent finally acquiesced once we slipped a Dave & Buster’s two-for-one discount coupon into his trash-filled baby stroller.  

Long story short, while Ted was exhuming the body and the rest of us were enjoying a light snack, something fluttered past Horger’s head and slammed into Neck’s neck.  It turned out to be a bat.  It’s leathery demon wings fluttered violently as it flopped on the ground.

Horger screamed and turned to run, but smacked into Neck and fell to the ground, stunned. I shouted for Ted  to throw me the shovel so I could smash it into the oblivion, a fitting demise for the loathsome rat-bird.  Unfortunately, Ted was paralyzed with fear and sobbing uncontrollably.  Neck was wincing and rubbing the new lump on his already bulging neckulary region, still dazed from his close encounter with the vile winged interloper.

Thus, I sounded a hasty retreat and we ran out of the cemetery and continued for two more blocks just to be on the safe side, at which point we realized that Ted was missing.  Our motto being “Leave No One Behind”, we returned for our fallen comrade, after the sun had come up and we were sure all the zombies and vampires were asleep, and found him wide eyed and hugging the mildly decomposed corpse of Don Knotts.

Then we went to IHOP.