Loser News

Remember when Jeff Goldbloom was an actor? Now he just plays that sexually ambiguous, uber-analytical detecto-douche on Law & Order. And speaking of Law & Order, what’s the deal with all these new touchy-feely Criminal Intent and Special Victims Unit and Wayward Pet Squad off-shoots?

Just give me a “Duhn-Duhn!” and pan to Jerry Orbach and Benjamin Bratt swilling cold coffee and parsing one liners while perusing a recently deceased body, S. Epatha Merkerson demanding progress, yet simultaneously defending her detectives from Sam Watterson’s biting analysis of their investigative techniques, all culminating in a neck snapping plot twist that leaves everyone stewing in a warm puddle of their own making.

Now when Intent came out with D’Onofrio and that chick from What About Bob?, I gave it it’s due.  I hung in there until the end of the first episode when Goren got on his now trademark diatribe, piecing together the entire case in a needlessly dramatic crescendo of inadmissible evidence.  It’s just a little too Scooby-Doo.  “…and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for these meddling kids and their dang-blasted dog!!”

SVU seems better, because it’s sucked from the start. If it wasn’t for Meloni and Belzer this show would have offed itself in pre-production.  Still, it gives me perverse pleasure to experience the hypocritical hubris of Ice-T toting a fictitious badge while listening to Cop-Killer on my Ipod.