Loser News

Feb. 8, 2010 — Drinking as little as two soft drinks a week appears to nearly double the risk of getting pancreatic cancer, according to a new study.

”People who drank two or more soft drinks a week had an 87% increased risk — or nearly twice the risk — of pancreatic cancer compared to individuals consuming no soft drinks,” says study lead author Noel T. Mueller, MPH, a research associate at the Cancer Control Program at Georgetown University Medical Center (or CCPGUMC), Washington, D.C.(or WDC). The study is published in Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers Prevention (or CEBP), a journal of the American Association for Cancer Research (or AACR).

The study went on to say that three soft drinks a week tripled the risk of spastic colon syndrome, four soft drinks increased risk of scabies, and five soft drinks caused restless leg syndrome and lesbianism.

“More than five soft drinks a week will kill you,” Mueller continued, “unless you have a soft drink antidote, such as cyanide or raw cookie dough.”