Loser News

It's the viral infection that's sweeping the nation!  Be the first one on your block to catch it! 

That's right, H1N1, also known as "influenza" (pronounced: "in-floo-aynz'-uh"), has reached global proportions and is the most exciting thing to hit this planet since Sky-Lab. In fact, it's gotten so enormous that they've termed it a Pandemic, which is like a panda, but six times bigger and almost mind-numbingly cuddly, though subject to fits of carnage-inducing rage. 

The Center for Disease Control (no known acronym) has plans underway to track and monitor the spread of all giant bears. In fact, epidemiologists in the United States are working non-stop with local law enforcement to track down and kill this particular strain of panda as well as several virulent species of koala.