Loser News

Well as you know, I’m quite the amateur scientist, and recently I found out that a number of authorities were becoming skeptical of our current fossil record’s accuracy.  Well, the timing couldn’t have been better.  See, last Sunday I went on a bike ride by the railroad tracks, under the highway (where incidentally, there is a heck of a lot of graffiti), to that place where people ride motocross, and there I had a revelation.

I decided to try a couple of their trails, but they were super steep and really sandy and I almost fell like three times, so I had to walk my bike down the rest of the way until I could find a nice even spot where I could get back on.  Except, I totally got a sticker in my sock and while I was trying to pull it out, my bike tipped over, tripping me because I was standing on one leg, and I fell in the dirt totally getting my new riding shorts dirty.  I wanted to cry, but there was this fat guy on the railroad tracks drinking a Tab and watching me, so I held back the oh so bitter tears.

While I sat there fighting the flood of emotion and having to pee, the guy on the tracks threw something down to me.  At first I thought it might be a cool, refreshing Tab, but turns out it was one of those little plastic pudding containers with a lit M-80 stuck through the tin-foil on top.  The blast was bladder-evacuatingly violent, yet at the same time cathartic.

As I wiped pudding off my face and waved as the fat guy drove off, I realized that life as we know it started with just such a chain reaction, and in a moment of divinely inspired genius, as though Darwin himself had come down from heaven to Vulcan mind meld with me, I saw the universe from an entirely new perspective.  Thus, I present to you the brand new, one hundred percent correct and indisputable evolutionary chain.