Loser News

That’s right America, and I’ve never felt so free. I can see everything so clearly. In fact, I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner. I guess I was just a little uncomfortable with the idea. I mean, what if people found out? What would they think of me? What would my Pastor say?

I did get the munchies, but had a bag of peanut butter-filled pretzels to curb my nocturnal noshings. And I can see why it might make some people a little paranoid, but not me. I’m finding it to be one of the most invigorating moments of my life. If only the kids were here.

So, take it from me America, if you get the chance to take a dumpsky in a prison tower, jump on it. I did, and I’ll never be the same.