Loser News

Several studies in recent years have claimed evidence for shorelines and other features that suggest ancient lakes on Mars. Firm evidence has remained elusive…until now.

Now a University of Colorado at Boulder research team claims “the first definitive evidence of shorelines on Mars” in a statement released today.  The scientists see signs of “a deep, ancient lake,” which would have implications for the potential for past life on Mars.

“Life as we know it requires water,” pronounced snooty college professor Gaetano Di Achille, who led the study, “and where there is water, logically there would be water skiers, boogie boarders, and bikini-clad beach honeys.  At least that ‘s been my experience.”

The shoreline evidence, found along a broad delta, included a series of alternating ridges and troughs thought to be surviving remnants of beach deposits.

“Yesterday, we had no evidence to support our theories,” explained assistant professor and general monkey-boy, Brian Hynek, “but today we suddenly know that a lake existed on Mars 3 billion years ago that was 1,500 feet deep and covered 80 square miles!!”

“The pristine lake bed and delta deposits would be a prime target for a future planetary landing mission,” Di Achille concluded.  “Just like the one on Jupiter.”