Loser News

It was reported today that the AT&T Corporation may have unduly influenced American Idol voters to ensure the victory of Arkansas native, Kris Allen. 
Evidently, somebody from the telecommunications giant was actually stupid enough to go to Arkansas and teach residents how to text. What followed was a debacle of biblical proportions.

“I jus’ hit a couple numbers on one a’ them cell phones, an’ derned if he didn’t win,” explained Heber Langston of Little Rock. “I reckon that’s the first time anybody from Arkansas ever won anything this import’nt.”

“The fact that they can’t hold a tooth brush has no bearing on whether they should get to vote,” AT&T celebrity spokesperson, Tina Yothers, announced following the most climactic hour of television since Chachi was impregnated by a sasquatch.  “Rubes and hicks need to have their voices heard, too…even if you can’t understand what they’re saying.”

“It’s extremely troubling,” remarked snooty British douche, Simon Cowell.  “It’s not French.  Pronounce the bloody ‘S’!”