Loser News

I don’t think I’ve been this upset I don’t think I’ve been this upset since I found out Mummenschanz was just a bunch of stupid mimes.

I’m checking out at Target, thumbing through this month’s Redbook, when Jessica Simpson walks up to me and asks if she can go in front of me because she only has one item. I say no, of course. I mean, I know she’s a celeb and all, but I don’t go around jamming it in everybody’s face that I’m a regular contributor to infomazing internet icon, LoserNews.net.

Well, she gets all eye-battingly sweet and offers to buy me a Sunkist, so I say okay. Then I see her “item” and am so totally disgusted I momentarily lose bladder control. She slaps these humungous size 8 jeans on the counter like there’s nothing wrong with it. Pays the obviously grossed-out cashier, and goes on her fat way.

I mean, she used to be a size 2 til that dork Tony Romo got ahold of her and made her start taking steroids! Guy, I’m steamed!!