Loser News

So anyway, I’m at Dollar General and they have this awesome Madonna Movie VHS 4-Pack on sale for $2.99!! I’m not really an impulse shopper, but how often do you find that kind of deal?!? So, I put it in the miniature shopping cart with my swimming noodle, Mentos, and People Magazine and headed for the check out. Later, after a lovely Cup ‘O Noodles supper, I inserted the first of my chronologically packaged Material Girl blockbusters into the VCR.

It was Desperately Seeking Susan, starring Madonna and the oddly-featured Rosanna Arquette, in which a bored suburban housewife seeking adventure to her life accidentally gets hit on the head, wakes up with amnesia, and is mistaken for a free-spirited New York City drifter named Susan (Madonna). If I had a nickel for every time that happened. It received critical acclaim from Teen Beat and Cracked magazines, and was nominated for a Golden Globe, which it didn’t receive!!

Next was Who’s That Girl, starring Madonna and the irrepressible Griffin Dunne (Who?!?  It should have been called Who’s That Douche in the Madonna Movie?). An uptight New York tax lawyer gets his life turned upside down when he’s asked to transport a feisty and free-spirited female ex-convict (Madonna) who asks him to help prove her innocence. In this blockbuster, the skanky bleach blonde vixen had to affect a husky Broklynesque accent for her part, which somehow made her seem even more stupid.

The third cinematic “delight” from the collection was Shanghai Surprise co-starring, then hubby, Sean Penn, who played a fortune hunter looking for a fast track out of China, opposite Madonna’s character, Gloria, a missionary nurse (albeit a trashy one) seeking the curing powers of opium for her patients. Sounds like a Pink Floyd song.

Lastly, thank God, was stupid comic strip turned stupid movie, Dick Tracy. Do I even need to say anything here?  Warren Beatty starred as the boring yellow trench coat clad private Dick on the trail of who knows what. His performance here solidly established Ned as the better Beatty. I slipped into a fitful convulsion filled sleep before Madonna even got her first scene.

Needless to say, I wasted my $2.99. I can’t even figure out how to record the X-Files re-runs over them, so it’s a complete wash. Thanks Madonna. Thanks for ruining my life.