Loser News

Okay, we’re going to training, right?  So I’m at the airport walking along enjoying the swirling chaos, when I see Dan sitting at the payphones crying. First of all, he’s got shorts on with his t-shirt tucked in, so he already looks like his grandma dressed him, but worse, the look on his face is one of mortal terror.

So I try to walk by him without him seeing me, but he like lunges out and screams my name as I’m passing. Well, I don’t want to make a scene, so I let him drag me over to the pay phones where he clutches onto me and whimpers softly for a few minutes before I’m finally able to extricate myself.  Between the sobs, he tells me about his current drama.

Well, it seems that a certain airline (I won’t give any specifics, but it’s the one with goats and bears and other farm animals on the tail) changed him to an earlier flight without telling him.  So, he got placed on stand-by and, since his wife didn’t stay and walk him to the gate, had to endure the trauma alone. That is, until I arrived.

Since he couldn’t walk unsupported, I took him over to the gate and flagged down the counter girl. I said, “Hey Cheesecake, (because all the ladies in the service profession love to be referred to as a tasty dessert dish like; pudding, sweet cakes, honey buns, chocolate delight, etc.) my dawg here be havin’ a problem wit’ his ticket, yo!”  I didn’t really talk like that, but sometimes I just like waxing a little gangster (not to be confused with “whacking a little gangster”, which I’m against).

Anyway, she offered him some tissue and had him explain his predicament. Finally, she gave Dan a new seat assignment, but since it wasn’t across the aisle from me like before, he started hyperventilating.

Now ,generally, I wouldn‘t do this, but since he was about to go all Naomi Campbell on me, I took him over to Rival’s, (which is supposedly a sports bar, but is in actuality half a Quizno’s with a chest high counter) and got him a drink.

Long story short, Dan fell asleep and I had to carry him to his seat on the plane and buckle him in.  He was heavy and drooling, but at least we got to board early.