Loser News

First of all, I have so many people to thank; Allie Mcbeal, Mr T., Conan O’Brien, and finally Finley, for showing me how to fasten my tie.

For those of you living under a rock, I recently received the coveted C.O.O.T.Y. (Correctional Officer Of The Year) Award for my achievements in shirt wearing, shaving, and awesomeness.

Unfortunately, such a prestigious accomplishment breeds resentment within the underachievers’ hellish pseudo realm. Like, I was down in the Armory and Doug came up to me and was all, “Congrats, man!” What a douche. I pretended to be all humble, but washed my hand like four times after the experience. I mean, that guy hasn’t gotten an award in a decade and he actually wants to start rubbing shoulders?!? I don’t think so.

Anyway, that’s just one example of how parasites come out of the woodwork when the special people of this world are finally given their due. T.C.B., babies! Horger out!!