Loser News

“But,” you say, “it’s been scientifically proven!!”  Has it?!?  Let’s look at the facts.

Fact: Oprah was J. Edgar Hoover’s personal secretary and closest confidant from 1935-38. 

Fact:  Oprah killed Hitler with a potato gun in the spring of 1945, yet for some reason scientists just point out that Oprah wasn’t born until 1954, completely ignoring the fact that she single handedly brought an end to the second World War. 

Fact: Oprah was Art “Norton” Carney’s stunt double on all 39 episodes of the sit-com Honeymooners.

Fact:  Oprah wrote all of Weird Al’s original songs.

Fact:  Oprah cannot tie her shoes.

Fact:  Oprah gave Tom Cruise a quarter to jump on her couch like a chimp on a tire swing.  Later, she paid him a like amount to yell at Matt Lauer.

Fact:  Oprah went to Joan London’s Christmas party and turned down the veal, opting for a third helping of salad.

So there you have it, America.  Oprah doesn’t eat babies…at least not anymore.  You should all be ashamed of yourselves.  I know I am.