Loser News

That’s right, folks!  Less than a week after stealing my wallet, Mariah Carey married Nick Cannon (Drumline…uh, Drumline).  Sources say she’s sporting a 17 carat, 2.5 million dollar ring that Nick “bought her”.  As if!!  Like you can make that kind of bread off one poorly written, college marching band movie!  But if you could, hmmmm….

Anyway, it just so happens that my mom sent me a $2.5 million check for my birthday last month, and guess where I put it?  That’s right, in my wallet!  I also had my US Airways frequent flier dividend mile card in there, and I had enough miles that I could book a trip for two, first class, to the Bahamas.  Well, guess where they got married…

Plus, I just got my Visa bill and it’s got a $15,000 charge from Bahama Rentals, Inc., for the first months rent and deposit on a Deluxe Island Honeymoon Shanty.  But what really burns me is that they charged the whole wedding dinner thing (lobster, Dom Perignon, and 27 boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch) to my Sears card. 

So, I put out some fliers in my local post office with their pictures on it, offering a coupon for a free pizza and fifty tokens at Scooters’ Place, to anyone with information that leads to their capture.  I’m also waiting for a call from Interpol to see if they’re going to take that case.