Loser News

Well, as you know, I’m quite the avid ghost hunter and paranormal investigator.  I’ve been doing it on and off since I saw the legend of Sleepy Hollow (Disney cartoon version.  That Johnny Depp one is way too creepy for me, thank you) as a child.  So, when I saw they were making a television show about ghost hunters, naturally I tried out.  I made it to the semi-finals, but got voted off along with Sanjay from Idol by nearly all seven viewers of Haunted Celebrity American Reality Island (Sponsored by Smuckers).  Needless to say, I garnered enough publicity to open my own paranormal investigation business, which I call Amway (Allied Mystery Watchers of America…uh….Yunit).  Not only do we seek out ghosts and other paranormal activities, but we also provide affordable home products of extremely high quality.

Unfortunately, Sanyjay fell off the slide at a haunted playground we were investigating last month, so he’s on disability.  Now, it’s just me and Ted, Horger, and Neck…and sometimes we call Finley when we have a math question.  So anyway, we get this call the other day, and Neck picks up but he can’t get the phone up to his ear because his neck’s too big, so he’s yelling at the receiver like that’s going to help.  Long story short, this lady says she has a pair of haunted pants at her house.  She says she found them at Goodwill and bought them for her grandson, but he mysteriously refuses to wear them. 

So, we jump in my Ford Freestyle and head over to her house, but Ted wants some jerky and a Fresca, so we have to stop at the Gas and Sip.  Then Neck has to use the bathroom and Horger starts whining about having to be home for dinner.  FINALLY, we get to the house and this lady is standing outside with the pants.  She hands them to Ted and asks if we want to come in and look at some photo albums.  Oddly, we decline.

So, I have Ted hold the pants up and I see that they’re 30 slim Levi wide leg cords.  Horger runs his solar calculator over them but doesn’t get any reading and Neck just stands there looking like Randy Jackson.  Ted gets all fussy and agitated when I tell him to put the pants on, but since I bought the jerky, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.  Anyway, we decide just to go about our business and see what happens. 

Well, let me tell you, the reaction was incredible.  People are shunning away from Ted like the pants are literally repelling them.  I see he’s getting goose bumps underneath his mesh t-shirt, and he’s becoming visibly emotional (more proof of a legitimate psychic encounter) with tears streaming down his face and into his beard.  By now, even those not particularly sensitive to the paranormal are giving Ted a wide berth.  When Ted stops walking and starts pulling the pants off, we know he’s had too much.  Contact with the Netherworld is both emotionally and physically taxing.  Neck clears the crowd while Horger joins Ted in a good cry.

Later, we performed spiritual cleansing of the haunted pants by washing them on “heavy soil” in a mixture of Tide, All, and all-tempa Cheer.  Then we returned them to the Goodwill in a very Jumanji-like ending.