Loser News

I am so cheesed at Harry Potter!! Most of you already know about my feud with Harry (and his meddlesome friends Hermione and Ron Weasely), but if you don’t, I’ll break it down for you, old school. And by old school, I’m talking Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

I’d been going there for two totally awesome years before Harry and his chronies showed up. I was a straight C+ student, 1st string Beater on Hufflepuff’s Quidditch team (Bludgers beware!!), and my acne was almost all cleared up, but when Harry showed up everybody was all, “Oooh, there’s Harry Potter! He’s got a lightning bolt scar on his head. Let’s give him all kinds of special magic stuff so he’s better than Horger!!”  So anyway, he was really jealous of me, which is understandable.

So today, him and his friends are hanging out smoking Beezle leaves next to the bathroom (the one close to Griffindor’s main entrance), and I say, “Hey, you guys shouldn’t do that. It’s not healthy.”

Well, the Weasley kid says something about my mom sporking a knorff, and it was on! I totally threw down my books and grabbed my wand.

I was about to cast an awesome spell that would give him a lingering tickle in his throat, but Dumbledore came around the corner and we all had to pretend we were trying to find a cat to kill for Hieroglyphics and Logograms class.

Man, that burns my pants!!