Loser News

“4-Adam-30! We have an officer down!!”

The words echoed painfully through my soul as I absorbed the report of Heather “Officer Stacey Sheridan” Locklear attempting suicide earlier this week. I immediately called my mother-in-law’s cousin, whose son is friends with Adrian “Sgt. Vince Romano” Zmed’s agent, to see if it were true. Zmed was conveniently “out of town”, but Mary Hart’s house keeper’s brother works with my dad’s neighbor, and he said that it “didn’t look good”.

Well, you can imagine my horror. My wife had nearly coaxed me off the couch, after spending the last three weeks alternately sobbing and eating ice cream while repeatedly watching A Knight’s Tale. Now, she’ll have to wait all the longer for Happy Time.

It was probably that jerk, David Spade. Notice how people conveniently die around him? Chris Farley, John Ritter, Rob Schneider, and now, very nearly, my magnificent Melrose madam. I’ve always suspected he was the Anti-Christ, and now I have the proof.