Loser News

The FBI released the names of two kingpins in an expansive coercion ring that has been in operation for over 5 years.

Melinda and Stuart Freedmon of Pensacola, FL were arrested earlier this week during a raid on their palatial estate on Judkins Drive.

The arrests followed a sting operation where FBI Agent Elliot Roberson was able to infiltrate and expose the crime ring, posing as 8 year-old Hayden Freedmon, a video game enthusiast and student at Reinhardt Holm Elementary School, who turned whistleblower after witnessing the couples’ malfeasance. The undercover agent was able to observe, document, and even record several acts of criminal coercion committed by the perpetrators.

“It was a tough assignment,” Agent Roberson admitted. “Some of the things they tried to get me to do were just sick.”

Initial reports suggest the duo were using compulsory techniques, including extortion, bribery, and even corporal punishment to manipulate their victim.

Earlier today, the Bureau released the last recorded interaction between the culprits and their supposed victim:

Suspect 1: Sweetie, take a couple of bites of your brussel sprouts.

Undercover Asset: Awe mom, do I have to?

S1: You’re not leaving the table until you’ve had at least two bites, Hayden.

UA: (Exasperated sigh)

S1: Don’t give me that look, just eat your vegetables!  Stu?

Suspect 2: You heard your mother.

UA: I think I’m going to barf.

S1: If you don’t take two bites you’re going to bed!

UA: Daaa-aad!

S2: Listen to your moth…(sounds of breaking glass followed by concussive explosion) What the hell?!?

S2: (Shrieking)

Strike Team: FBI! On your face, dirtbags!!

Per John Heekin, US Attorney for the Northern District of Florida, the couple has been charged with 137 counts of criminal coercion and face a possible 97 year prison sentence if found guilty on all counts.

Hayden, who’d admittedly turned his parents in because he believed he’d be placed in the Witness Protection Program, has instead been turned over to Florida Children and Family Services.

”We got our perps and the kid’s in the system,” Agent Roberson observed. “That’s a win-win for the FBI.”