Loser News

Boo-yah, Sports Fans!  Bowl season’s back and it’s stupider than ever.

Join legions of college football lemmings to watch snippets of gridiron action nestled snugly between 15-minute blocks of ads for all the useless crap your grandma will be getting you this Christmas.

What ever happened to the five-ish games played every New Year’s Day, where unpaid athletes strove for excellence in a feeble attempt to stave off the beginning of their mundane post-collegiate lives? And what’s this crap with the sponsors getting top billing over the actual game being played?!?

The Cheez-It Citrus Bowl?!! What the hell does a miniature, debatably cheese-like cracker have to do with citrus? Citric acid isn’t even listed as one of the possible ingredients (though something called TBHQ is in there with its creepy caveat “for freshness”). Why don’t we just call it the Will Likely Cause Cancer Bowl?

The Autozone Liberty Bowl? Because nothing’s more liberating than trying to get one of the fat guys behind the counter to pry his prominent posterior off of that laminated stool to help you find the right windshield wipers.

And the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl? Could they get further from the mark? Sure, a real tiger might enjoy the sun, but since Tony is a cartoon that hocks diabetes-inducing cereal, the Sugar Bowl should have been a no-brainer.

Unfortunately, All State had to grab that one, because nothing’s sweeter than paying a global conglomerate a good chunk of your paycheck to protect your dwindling nest egg from the heinous hands of litigation.

Thank God Stranger Things is back or I’d have bludgeoned myself to death with the remote a week ago. Booo-Yah!!