Loser News

Perplexed geologists are scrambling to explain unusual seismic activity on Sao Jorge Island, in Portugal’s Azores archipelago.

“It’s an enigma,” said seismologist Joao Fontiela. “Or is that ‘enema’?  I get the two confused.”

Although tremors are common in the Azores, Sao Jorge itself is generally spared seismic activity.  But with more than 27,000 small tremors around the island in the last two weeks, locals are looking for answers.

“I still haven’t figured it out completely,” Fontiela says “, but I think it’s safe to blame Russia.”

As the island has a hollowed-out volcano suitable for occupancy, most experts agree that Vladimir Putin is likely using it as a secret lair and is attempting to tunnel through the earth so he can deploy troops in southeastern Australia.

Coincidentally, the last time the “Bocas de Fogo” volcano erupted was in 1808, when Napoleon attempted to invade Spain by digging a tunnel from Portugal.