Loser News

It’s not every day that scientists are baffled by penguin feces.  In fact, some scientists go weeks at a time without being perplexed by flippered-bird scat, but after these penguin droppings were found to contain phosphine – a gas found a good 38 million miles away on Venus– researchers have been left scratching their heads…after washing their hands.

Although the finding has left scientists mystified, Dr David Clements of Imperial College London believes the gas could be produced as a defense against specific bacterias in the penguins’ environment.  “It’s what I do when my mother-in-law visits”, he explained, but noted that there are also anaerobic bacteria that produce phosphine. “But penguins don’t do a lot of cross-fit, so your guess is as good as mine.”

Last year astronomers found phosphine in Venus’ clouds, which they said could suggest the presence of life.

“At the time, we weren’t really looking for penguins,” Clements admits. “Sure, their space program is a little more advanced than ours, but we figured they were still about five years out on their Venus missions.”

This discovery comes just ahead of the launch of the James Webb Space Telescope by Nasa on December 18th, which was designed to reveal new discoveries, along with the origins of the universe and our place in it.

“I guess our place is somewhere behind the penguins, ” Dr. Clements acknowledged.  “But we’re still way ahead of walruses.”