Loser News

Bored astrobiologists reported yesterday that they would be reevaluating the system used to gauge distance in the universe.

“We were just sitting on our thumbs till they find some actual biology in space,” related NAI Director and granola girl, Penelope Boston, “but then Rory (referring to Rory Koffahoff, head of custodial staff at the Institute) started talking about his wife’s Siamese cat, Kuchi, and I had a brilliant idea.”

And a brilliant idea it was. Boston and her team soon began calculations to alter the manner in which scientists measure space.

“The use of light-years always seemed kind of cold and clinical,” Boston continued, shoving a handful of Kashi in her mouth. “So, since we’re technically biologists, we came up with a system which would better reflect the organic nature of the universe.”

A great deal of discussion, some quite heated, occurred, but ultimately a conclusion was reached.  Kitten-Years.

“On a whim, Mike shot a kitten out of a potato-gun, and it went like thirty yards,” Boston explained.  “So we extrapolated that out to see how far it could travel in a year.  It took some trial and error…and kittens, but we nailed it down, and it’s on the President’s desk for approval.”

If approved, Kitten-Years could be the new incremental measurement for all international space programs.  

“Next we’ll start work on the speed of smell!”