Loser News

The Major League Soccer organization (MLS) came under criticism this weekend as players became frustrated with Covid testing requirements prior to an FC Austin / FC Cincinnati non-conference match.  Team managers and owners were also incensed at what they deemed unnecessary and time-consuming constraints set by League Commissioner, Don Garber.

Officials and stadium security staff forced players to perform chest compressions and mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on one another before they were allowed out of the locker room and onto the field.

Cecilio Dominguez, one of several Austin players to score a goal this year, seemed extremely confused.  “No speaka Ingles”, he related to a reporter following the 0-0 midseason yawnfest.

Commissioner Garber, who has held his position with MLS since before the turn of the century, was able to hide his dyslexia from all but his wife until this weekend.

“Yeah, I guess I was supposed to make sure all the players passed a PCR test”, he later admitted after taking both teams for ice cream following the match.  “My bad.”  

As the two teams are running in the dismal last place of their conferences, neither of the spectators in attendance were really even aware of the three hour delay.