Loser News

SANTA CATARINA, Brazil-The last surviving officer in Hitler’s Third Reich was captured today swimming among the reeds near the shore of the Itajaí River in Blumenau, Brazil. Dr. Ludwig Von Drake was a close colleague of Dr. Josef Mengele, known as the Angel of Death, or to his close friends, “The J-Man”.

Prior to World War II, Von Drake sold camping gear for Big Fünf Schpertzink Gutz, sustaining himself and three orphaned nephews on lederhosen and rucksack commissions. When war was declared, he was drafted into the Wehrmacht’s Medical Corps because he had glasses, and because Nazi Minister of Propaganda, Joseph Goebbels, said he “just looked like a doctor”.

Though no specific instances of malfeasance have been weighed against the aging physician, Holocaust historians still paint him as a strict party-liner and attribute The Gestapo Stomp and several other dance moves to his list of war-time atrocities.

Authorities began receiving anonymous tips earlier this week after Von Drake posted an Instagram picture of himself in his kitchen, holding the cryogenically frozen head of the Führer. Beside the picture were the words “Feeling Psyched” and what authorities say could be an emoji for that particular sensation.