Loser News

The Center for Disease Control (and Distribution) has found that numerous recipients of the second dose of the Covid-19 vaccine have experienced a mild heart condition known as myocarditis.

Representatives of the CDC, Pfizer, Moderna, and Satan held a press conference to discuss a specific “very, extremely, super-rare, like way rare” side effect that has struck a younger demographic of vaccinated patients.

“Myocarditis is inflammation of the heart muscle which can cause a reduction in the heart’s ability to pump”, explained CDC spokespersons, Morgan Freeman, “causing rapid or abnormal heart rhythms, just like exercise.”

Moderna celebrity spokesperson, Ashton Kutcher, agreed.  “And since it only seems to affect people under twenty five that have hearts, less than fifty percent of the Earth’s population have anything to worry about.”

“Plus”, continued Pfizer public relations director, Joseph Mengele, “we can’t even be sure these infinitesimally rare episodes are connected in any way to the vaccine, despite what the data would indicate.”

The CDC has listed other potential causes of the heart condition that they plan to rule out prior to taking a more in depth look at the vaccine.  They are;

Use of elicit drugs, such as cocaine, by young people seeking the health benefits of a viral vaccine. Anti-cancer and anti-seizure medications the otherwise healthy patients may have been using, along with carbon monoxide poisoning, radiation, Lupus, Wegener’s granulomatosis, giant cell arteritis and Takayasu’s arteritis, hepatitis B and C viruses, parvoviruses, herpes simplex viruses, echoviruses, Epstein-Barr virus, rubella, and HIV.