A team of researchers at MIT’s theoretical physics department has been focusing its efforts on alternate possibilities in historical events, specifically those concerning secondary plot lines from the film Dirty Dancing.
“It’s an amazingly complex field of study”, explains Dr. Neil Kellerman, Jr, lead researcher of the Dirty Data Project. “It would obviously be difficult to get Jerry (Orbach) and Patrick (Swayzee) together to reenact some of the pivotal scenes, but with discoveries in gravitational fluctuations within sub-atomic particles, I think we can create a similar environment, while producing alternate outcomes.”
If research could be funded by Kellerman’s enthusiasm, rather than a grant from Pillsbury, there would be no limit to the reach of his controversial work.
“For instance”, he continued, “we theorize that the ‘When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong’ scene could actually be reproduced by sandwiching a Next of Kin DVD between two Beauty and the Beast VHS tapes, and microwaving them on the casserole setting for 33 minutes, which could hypothetically create a subatomic reaction powerful enough to cause Dr. Houseman to actually say he was wrong.”
The research is thus far theoretical, although computer models have been developed which show promise for this burgeoning area of study.
“We can see”, Kellerman continued, “that contrary to Johnny’s oft referenced observation regarding Baby’s social placement, somebody did, in fact, put her in the corner.”
While many scholars have chalked Baby’s cornerious state up to her over-protective father’s unwillingness to let her flourish in an increasingly complex environment, Kellerman’s team offers plausible alternatives.
“Our data suggests a strong departure from the widely held Orbachian view, and actually suggests that the Houseman family unit forms a singularity whose atomic spacing relegates Baby toward a recessive gravity well which allows the other units within the singularity to see past her nose.”
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