Loser News

In a Twainian twist, frustrated scientists involved in the search for extrasolar planets are offering John Q. Public the “opportunity” to assist in the search for interstellar real estate.

“It’s only fair that we share the thrill of space exploration with the people that make it possible,” observed Dr. Guillem Anglada-Escudé of the Queen Mary school of Physics and Astronomy, “which is you, the anonymous citizens that have no idea I’m wasting their time and money in this pointless endeavor.”

The Red Dots campaign is the beginning of a longer term effort to search for nearby, potentially habitable, planets. The plan is for astronomers to nap while the HARPS spectrometer searches for terrestrial planets, gathering information it will send to witless morons in Dubuque and Boise to parse through and provide the somnambulistic scientists with groundbreaking discoveries, which they will pass off as their own.

“In this campaign, we will monitor Proxima Centauri, a red dwarf star just six light-years away,” explained Anglada- Escudé. “Granted, this type of system has no chance of containing planets suitable for life to emerge and thrive, but who really gives a crap, right?”

“Red Dots is about recording and communicating the crucial steps in our understanding of our place in the Universe,” he continued, “which is just below and to the right of the celestial handicapped bathrooms.”