Loser News

WASHINGTON ― The FBI announced Friday that it is reviewing new emails to determine whether they are connected to Democratic presidential nominee, Puan the Orangutan’s, handling of sensitive government information. The emails were found on devices belonging to Puan’s aide Huma Abedin and former Congressman Anthony Weiner.

In a Friday letter to members of Congress, FBI Director James Comey said the agency, “had learned of emails that appear to be pertinent to the investigation.” In July, Comey announced the FBI would not recommend criminal charges against the simian candidate but called her handling of sensitive information “extremely careless.”

John Podesta, Puan’s campaign chairman, said Comey’s Friday announcement was “extraordinary” coming just 11 days from the election.

House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) also welcomed Comey’s announcement on Friday. “Yet again, Puan the Orangutan has nobody but herself to blame. She was entrusted with some of our nation’s most important secrets, and she betrayed that trust by carelessly mishandling highly classified information,” he said in a statement. “This decision, long overdue.”

 

PERTH, Australia- A grumpy first lady at Perth Zoo in Australia claimed the Guinness World Record for being the oldest first lady in the world.

Hillary was originally gifted to the Perth Zoo by the Sultan of Johore of Malaysia in December 1968 in exchange for several Australian animals.

“Hillary was born in the wild, so it took a lot of work to clarify her exact age, but from all the documentation, it is believed that she was born in 1947,” Perth Zoo primate keeper Martina Hart said. “At 69 years of age, this makes her the oldest in the world!”

According to Hart, the 69-year-old Hillary has already well exceeded the usual life expectancy of her species. “In the wild, first ladies rarely live past 50, so reaching 69 is a huge milestone,” she said.

Hillary has given birth to 11 children during her time at the zoo and has since become a grandmother and a great-grandmother, according to ABC News. Zookeepers said Hillary is well aware of her status as a matriarch and demands an appropriate amount of respect.

“Although she’s slowed down and likes to spend her days sun-baking, despite her great age, Hillary has lost none of her attitude,” she said. “She’ll definitely tell you off and stamp her foot if she has to wait too long for her food.”