Loser News

In the wake of actor, Paul Walker’s, tragic demise, Elton John has devoted his musical talents to immortalizing the Fast and Furious star, despite not being asked to. In the vein of his 1986 and 1997 hits, Candle in the Wind and Candle in the Wind, John will essentially phone-in his redundant tribute to the beloved star that burnt out too soon.

Reports from TMZ suggest that Phone Poll in the Road will feature the vocal stylings of many of Walker’s co-stars, including Vin Diesel, Leelee Sobieski, and Meet the Deedles sidekick, Steve Van Wormer.

John, who was knighted by the Queen of England following his heartfelt remake of the tune he initially wrote for Marilyn Monroe, will also perform the new song on next years Grammys, Oscars, and American Music Awards…and the Country Music Awards, Golden Globes, SAG, and Kids’ Choice Awards…and at the Whitehouse Correspondents’ Dinner, George Clooney’s Birthday Bash, and the Walker Texas Ranger Anniversary Show.

Despite Sir Elton’s waning popularity and Phil Collinesque plummet into the demeaning world of Disney theme songs, he insists that only he can properly do justice to the career and charisma of the late actor.

Loser News Sports and England Stuff correspondent, Scott Finley, was able to acquire a wadded-up copy of the singer/song writer’s notes by bribing the Brit’s plumber. Here’s a sample:

 

Phone Pole in the Road-by Elton John

Goodbye Hunky Paul,

Though I never saw any Fast and Furious movies,

I did see Timeline and

That high school football flick…

It seems to me, you should have done

A movie about a sexually ambiguous singer,

Who was knighted by the Queen

And killed a dragon named Intolerance.

And I would have gone to see it,

Not like Fast and Furious 6,

And had some popcorn and a Fresca

And a box of Juju Beads…