Loser News

Scientists may be on the verge of curing the greatest malady known to mankind. Mankind. Well, “men-kind” to be exact.

It seems fertility specialists have found a way for women to have babies without men. It starts off normally by giving a woman a cocktail, but not your standard Vodka and Kool-Aid Spritzer. Rather, a chemical compound is introduced into her system which acts as an ‘artificial sperm’ to trick a human egg into forming an embryo. It is necessary to agitate the embryo by saying, “Buuurrrn!!”, or “I totally got you!” to complete the process, but scientists have been dissing embryos for years.

The discovery has alarmed medical ethics campaigners, who described it as “super-lame” and “faggy”. Researchs admit that any babies born from the process would be female and genetically identical to Linda Hamilton. They’ve also suggested the possibility that these children may be hunted by body-building androids from the future.

Experts warn that, taken to its extreme, it could lead to a near masculinity-drowning, Biblical flood of molten estrogen which would be very difficult to clean up.