Loser News

What’s up, corporate sell-outs? Well, I went out looking for a job again today. I totally went to Starbuck’s and that hydroponics place down by the evil entity known as Wal-Mart. OBVIOUSLY, I didn’t get hired at either of those places due to their refusal to accommodate my personal beliefs.

As most of you know, I’m Vegan, but not some lacto-ovo poser that sucks the bovine teat of complacency. I’m hard core. I won’t eat anything with a face…or anything that looks like a face or that has a body part in its description. I won’t eat potatoes (eyes) or and ear of corn or a head of lettuce or a foot-long vegetarian hotdog, and not just because it has a body part and is named after something that has a face, but also because hotdogs are processed, and I don’t eat anything processed.

Which brings us back to why a coffee conglomerate and hometown hemp factory won’t hire me. See, they want me to grind beans and prune plants and all that jazz, and I’m just not hip with that. If Mother Earth wanted her botanical children chopped into tiny pieces, she’d have made us all like Edward Scissorhands. Yet the morons at Brew & Buds can’t pull their bulbous apparatchik noses out of Uncle Sam’s butt long enough to recognize such an obvious truth.

Guess I’ll just spend the afternoon pretending to be homeless and panhandling in front of Von’s while making disaffected observations about the kid across the street dancing with a sign for eight dollars an hour.

What a loser.