Loser News

Boo-Yah, sports fans. It’s Scott Finley with another exciting sports update, and today we’re going to be analyzing the universal anomaly known as The Kardashian Effect.

Now, despite documented cases of brain cell evaporation suffered by millions of tweens and men living in their mothers’ basements who are helplessly addicted to “skank o’ vision”, the effect on athletic competition may be even more profound. A recent study by USC and the Des Moines Bacon Institute was initiated when an olympic decathlon champion’s face fell off after reportedly having close contact with a post-Kardashian.

This account prompted researchers to delve deeper, this time placing their focus on the NBA. Two anonymous test participants were subjected to a season of professional basketball, one accompanied by a Kardashian, the other sans Kardashian. The results were startling.

Subject number one, whom we’ll just call “K-Humph”, had his Kardashian legally removed prior to the start of the 2012 season and had the best year of his career, playing all but four games, shooting 48% from the field, 75% from the free-throw line, and averaging a double-double.

The other subject, whom we’ll refer to as “Lame-O.” had a slightly swollen Kardashian attached at the beginning of the season, was placed on a championship team, and given his own TV show. What followed would make the Pope’s privates itch. Lamar played in 50 games, starting in only 4, shot 35% from the field, 59% from the line, and managed a career worst 4.2 rebounds per game before being cut from the team.

Based on these findings, the Surgeon General and NCAA have issued warnings to young people hoping to achieve athletic stardom, advising to refrain from contact with Kardashians until a vaccine can be found.