Loser News

Boo-Yah, sports fans. It’s Scott Finley with another exciting sports update!!

Now, if you’re like me, you puke in your mouth every time you hear another report about Peyton Manning signing with another team, yet unlike me, you probably can’t swallow your own bile.

Yesterday, Peyton, a person who can throw an oblong leather sack of air a long way, signed a contract that would guarantee him $58 million if he can throw said oblong air-sack for two years, and $90 million if he can do it for five years without his head falling off. 

“The other day”, John Elway, Denver Broncos Executive Vice President of blah, blah, blah, remarked at a press conference, “I was just sitting on my diamond encrusted toilet seat thinking of ways to help the good people of Denver enjoy their sports entertainment, and it just came to me.  Lower ticket prices!  Luckily, Peyton called at just that moment, saying he’d sign with us, so I decided to spend my extra ‘hundred mil’ on him.”  

Manning (36), who has suffered a series of mysterious neck injuries, says he’s more than up to the task.

“I… throw… football… more”, he related at the Denver press conference.  “Neck… feel… not… hurty.”