Loser News

Hey everybody!! It’s me, Ted, and this year I’ve decided to leave deer killin’ to the orange clad masses and concentrate on a species much more cunning, deadly, and financially rewarding. That’s right, I’m talking about beavers.

Now, aside from the North American Beaver’s (or Castor canadensis) luxurious pelt, vicious bite, and ability to decapitate a small dog or curious retiree with the flat of its tail, most folks are ill informed of their more lucrative qualities.

Sure, everybody knows that the Eskimos use their testicles as pain relievers (Beaver testicles, that is. Not Eskimo testicles, which are used for Yahtzee dice), but ole’ Ted did some studyin’ and found that beaver noonies were also used in perfumes, analgesics, and anti-inflamatories.  

Now, simply blasting a beaver with bird shot til it stops moving is a poor teste harvesting technique, as Ted recently discovered.  No, a 2×4 or canoe oar is your instrument of death when it comes to putting down this varmint.  Unfortunately, beavers don’t just walk up with a sign saying “Club Me”, so that’s where the trapping comes in.

So the next time you’re walking through Wal-Mart and that pretty gal comes walking by all perfumed up, remember, that might be Ted’s beaver you’re smelling, or, at least, his testes.