Loser News

DENVER-Statisticians happened upon a startling discovery today when they realized that 9 out of every 10 forest fires are started by humans. The study, funded by the Bureau of Land Management and Pizza Hut, concluded that mankind, being the only species with the ability to produce fire, was far more likely to start a brush fire than a ferret or lhasa apso.

“Initially, we assumed that wildland fires were started by mischievous squirrels lighting their tails aflame and running through the brush,” said Dr. Marty Alexander, head of the fire behavior department of the Canadian Forest Service. “Unfortunately, we never actually observed that behavior in nature.”

It was only after Australian fire research expert, R.J. Underwood, dropped his cigarette while taking a dumpskie in the woods, that the study group took a closer look at humans. Using a double-blind testing method, they gave a group of interns several lit torches, while giving a herd of cattle in a neighboring pasture unlit torches. The results were staggering.

“The cows didn’t start one fire,” remarked G.H. Moeller of the United Forestry Commission in Edinburch, Scotland. “Sadly, most of them were burned alive by our students.”

Right-wing extremist, Glenn Beck denounced the study as irresponsible and inflamatory, insinuating a pro-wildlife bias to the research, while President Obama came out in direct support of the findings, saying, “Fire bad”.