In 1942, a secret government agency known as S.H.I.E.L.D. recruited me to participate in an experimental program known only as Project Super Soldier. They jammed me in a big metal machine and filled it up with radiator fluid. When I came out, I had super big muscles and incredible physical abilities. SHIELD asked me to help them end World War II, but since I’d just gotten a scholarship to Hogwart’s School of Wizardry, I had to decline.
School was difficult. My super strength and man-boobs were useless against my adversaries’ magical abilities. Luckily, I met up with a nerdish ginger and a hot British chick, and was able to not only pass my classes, but was also head Bludger on my Quidditch team. After I defeated my arch-nemesis, Valdemort, they were just about to crown me King of Wizards, but that’s when I felt the pull of the Pacific Northwest.
I said goodbye to my chums, pointed my broom towards Washington state and ended up in a moist little town populated by werewolves, vampires, and four humans. I quickly fell in love with one of the undead, all the while being “hounded” for affection by a young lycanthrope.
Long story short, I was about to get married to my lovely leechesque bride, when suddenly my car turned into a robot and told me we had to hurry or we wouldn’t make it to Mordor in time.
To be continued…
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