Loser News

Yowzers, America!! It stirs so you don’t have to! That’s right, the Robostir is “stirring” up interest throughout the universe. Developed by super-smart scientists, its secret is the orbital gyroscope action that ensures no spot is unstirred or untouched. Works for any pot or pan, except round or rectangular ones!

It’s been so darned popular in the US, the rest of the world has jumped on the band wagon and developed their own versions of this eerily blender-like kitchen wonder.

Those industrious East Asians in Tokyo are, even now, putting the finishing touches on the Jinzouningen-Doyomeki. It takes the awesome initial design one step further by introducing a “logic chip” into the machines main frame, giving it the ability to adapt to any stirring situation with its 6 ft, titanium mixer blades. Way to go, Japan! Sorry about World War II.

Even the the UK has joined the frey with their sleek European stylings. The Brits are touting their new Robostir Mini as the end-all-be-all of Limey manufacturing. It’s said to be a steal at just 83,000 ££, and can easliy fit into any home providing all of the walls are removed. Though it’s still in development, English engineers believe it will be available within seven years, as it is currently almost able to stir yogurt.

Other countries are still in the planning process, but Ukraine officials say to expect the uber-affordable Yugostir at lesser retail stores as early as next week.