Loser News

Recently coming under fire for using x-ray machines to look at girls underpants, TSA Screeners may have discovered a vital clue to aviation problems plaguing the nation.

When Delta Airlines had three Boeing 767 planes emergency land in one day, lead TSA Screener, Monica Wadsworth (far left) became suspicious.  

“Sure, planes crash all the time,” she commented while rifling through a passenger’s back pack, “but three in one day?!?  That just seems like maybe too many.”

Thus, while Wadsworth and her squad were on their mandatory fifteen minute smoke-break, they put their heads together to come up with an explanation to the airborne epidemic.  When Gus Jablonski (far right) mentioned that he’d spent his lunch break with several Delta pilots playing with a Ouija Board, Wadsworth’s keen observational skills kicked in.

“I called my supervisor, but he was in the pooper so I left a voice mail,” Wadsworth related.  “When he came back, he told me to hold on a few minutes while he called his supervisor.  That’s when we sprang into action.”

She advised Jablonski to take the rest of the crew (known only as Kojak, Butch Girl, and Other Butch Girl) and form a human wall in front of the metal detectors, and to set themselves aflame if passengers didn’t cooperate.  Luckily, the Ouija Board was found and destroyed before that was necessary.

“I didn’t think anything of it,” one Delta pilot told reporters later. “It just kept spelling out elgine fainure.  I figured it was that basketball player from the 60’s.” 

Elgin Baylor had no comment.