Loser News

As the end of a bleak and by gone era approaches, astronomers and infotainment pariah are searching the stars for a grand celestial anomaly that could take the place of the dwindling life force know as Oprah.

Legend holds that, on the twenty-first day of the twelfth month of the eleventh year of the twenty-first century, Oprah Winfrey will fold in on herself, creating an infinite gravitational void, and disappear with a sick, wet, popping sound.  

Fortunately, the theoretical Oort Cloud will at that precise moment release an asteroid of such gigantic proportion it could fill the intergalactic gap left by Oprah’s omnivorous cessation.

Ryan Seacrest and scientists at MIT are making preparations for the arrival of the incoming heavenly body.

“I hope it’s as gluttonous as its predecessor,” Jan Carl expressed excitedly, “and that it can use its mind control on Tom Cruise like Oprah!!”