Loser News

Hey everybody, it’s me Ted. Well, once again I’m gearing up to kill me some Meleagris Gallopavo. The season starts April 19, but I’ve been out chucking shurikens at the chickens for weeks as basic training for this fowl finishing frenzy I call Turkey Season.

Native to the forests of North America, these flightless avian were once considered candidates for the national symbol by our forefathers. Benjamin Franklin, inventor of the dime, described them as “a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on”.

And though he ended that statement with a preposition, in truth, the Turkey does represent our proud heritage; with chest puffed out, tail feathers fanned, and that thick wattle of skin beneath its chin waggling back and forth like so many flabby American under arms waving majestically in the winds of the freedom he so aptly embodies. A wind which will sweep the bullet of my admiration through his patriotic plumage and whistle through the gaping hole in his chest cavity that magnificent April morn.

Happy killin’ everybody!!