Loser News

Doctors in seventy-five countries came together this week to discuss the near epidemic proportions of PPL.

“I haven’t seen it this bad since just before I became a vampire”, commented Dr. Oz from the set of his Discovery Channel show. “It’s a bigger concern than H1N1 and Hepatitis C combined.”

PPL, or Premature Pube-Loss, was first discovered by Capernicus at the beginning of the 16th century and was later illustrated in greater detail in Charles Darwin’s lesser known book, Origin of Man II-Pubes.

“This pandemic is spreading faster than maple syrup over hotcakes”, Dr. Phil drawled slowly while actually pouring maple syrup over hotcakes. “I hope Oprah can help.”

Dr. G concurred. “It’s not just the living that suffer from this, but I’ve seen several severe cases on my table in recent months as well. It’s pretty nasty!”

Rogaine and the Hair Club For Men are both working on an antidote, and several retailers are beginning to sell over the counter products until the medical calamity subsides. Until that time, the Department of Health and Human Services has issued a warning for people over forty that wear tighty whities and corduroy pants, as well as those who play raquetball more than four times a month.