Loser News

Remember when Jamie Sommers died when her bionics went on the fritz and her brain went haywire and then Steve Austin found out she wasn’t really dead but just in a coma and when she woke up she had amnesia and didn’t remember their shared love? 

Well, this goes one step further. I was sitting watching my favorite show, Ice Road Kittens, when it was interrupted by a transmission so strange, the likes of which may only be expressed as a “phenomenon”. It was a Select Comfort Sleep Number bed commercial, and it starred Jamie Sommers!! 

I thought my head was going to explode.  Evidently, she’s now hawking bionic beds deisgned by Dr. Oscar Goldman of the OSI (the Office of Scientific Intelligence…as opposed to the Office of Scientific Ignorance which has a much greater members list).  According to the top secret message I picked up with my Dish Network, these beds can be both soft and hard at the same time, supposedly to accomodate both your human and cybernetic parts. 

Well, of course I bought one.  My sleep number is 9000.  It’s like sleeping on a jagged rock.  While Rachel’s is set at -15, and feels like you’re laying in a pool of your own affluence.

Steve Austin could not be reached for comment as he is currently on set filming The Fall Guy and the Furious, due out in theatres spring 2010.