Loser News

Dan “Running Dan” Reis, leader of local prison/street/parking lot/summer camp/landfill gang The Dans, reportedly purchased a vehicle this week from used car salesman Rory J. Kofahoff, of Swindler Auto Group.

“I saw this guy coming a mile away,” Kofahoff admits.  “I mean he didn’t even have a shirt on.”

Witnesses say it was like watching a fat moth trying to make love to a bug zapper. 

“He just kept nodding his head and saying ‘Yo’ and ‘word’ no matter what the salesman said,” concerned citizen, Madison Reis (hopefully no relation) related.  “And I thought Attack of the Ouija Zombies was gruesome…”

Reis was reportedly able to trade-in his operationally challenged VW Golf and purchase the vehicle of his dreams, all while keeping his monthly payments down to a manageable $878.